"Wanna come to a party?"
An extrovert might say "Yes, sure, where and when?", an introvert might say "Hm, maybe, who all is gonna be there? I'll think about it". Someone with family might say "Sounds good, let me see if I can find a baby sitter for the night.".
I can't find a baby sitter, the little ones are along wherever the body goes. Some of us are very introverted, others almost on the edge of being an extrovert. Some are painfully shy, some reckless, some love to chat, some get aggressive when people get too close.
It is extremely difficult to strike a balance where it's possible to have any semblance of a social life at all, not speak of going to parties.
To prepare for any social event takes between three days and two weeks. Inners will bring up their worries, what all could happen, what all could go wrong and for each of them there has to be a workable solution in place before the event. There will be people, possibly strangers, possibly people we have some bad history with, what can we talk about with them, who will provide the topics, who will make sure to get us out if things get uncomfortable, what are socially acceptable excuses to leave?
What little anchors can we bring along as a safeguard? A cuddle toy for the little ones, maybe a small game, a few books, something reassuring to smell or eat. I bring the car along as often as possible, just because it gives us a room to go back to and a place to store things we might need to help us cope.
How will we deal with noise and strange smells, with the speed of how things tend to proceed (few people accept that it might take me a while before it's ok to touch them, we do NOT do well with just being grabbed and kissed).
Small things that might not be a problem at home can be a big deal in company, for example being watched while eating. And most people do watch once they notice the intricate dance of cutlery while the body switches from being right handed to left handed and back every few bites. Being watched makes us anxious and clumsy, one big reason why eating out is just not appealing at all, even when the food is fabulous (and we love, love, love good food).
So the little ones will burrow deeper into the sheltered places on the inside, some will even be gently soothed to sleep so they won't even notice that we're gone. If things go really bad they'll still wake up and possibly get scared, it's something that still needs some work.
The older family members armor up, rehearse strategies, reassure each other that we can handle this and that whatever happens, family comes first, we can always just leave and go home. This security, to be free to leave, is most important, nothing will freak us out as even a hint of feeling trapped.
During an event the constant pressure of people around, of having to hold up the facade, the swift progression of small talk from topic to topic, the keen awareness of what's going on and trying to suppress the urges to flee... it wears us down. Everyone who stepped up to it takes some of the burden, but after an hour the first will drop out, totally exhausted and overwhelmed, leaving fewer and fewer souls to manage the load of input.
At the end there will be a few ragged souls, struggling to just keep on breathing, exhausted to the point of wanting to curl up on the floor and weep. Usually we try to leave before that, sometimes we try to push it just for the sake of looking normal. It's not a good idea.
Once we're back home it will take days just to find enough energy again to do the basics of everyday life, make meals, take showers, clean and organize the place a little, catch up with what's been ignored while we prepared. It's about the level of physical and mental exhausting like the first few days convalescent from a bad bout of the flu.
Sometimes I wish people would see how much work it is to be there.
I don't really care for parties, sometimes they can be fun for a little bit, but I'd much prefer spending some time with someone alone, or in a smaller group, talking and sharing. So if we do go to a party, it's always an attempt to make the person giving it happy.
Don't be mad at me when I leave early, don't push me to be louder, happier, chattier, I'm really already doing what I can and probably more than what is really healthy for us.
